Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Nothing seems real, it's as though we're all living in a dream world, or perhaps a nightmare that's not reality. We just exist in an unknown world that suddenly going to vaporize and we're not here anymore. Everything seems to be speeding up and there isn't enough time to get done what needs to be done. Losing a loved one from suicide is the most devastating thing a person has to go through. I'm not sure how others deal with it but for me it's as though I'm in a constant nightmare that I can't wake up from. There's no reality anymore. I hardly ever hear from or see my children since it happened, even if we all promised to change and see each other more often, it hasn't happened. We're still living each day without calling or seeing each other just as we did before Jason died. It hasn't changed a bit. There's no changes as far as I can see, there's still grudges, hard feelings and misunderstandings just as before. We haven't learned our lesson yet and probably never will because it's human nature to be unforgiving. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Poor Mama is waiting for old man death to come and get her because she feels like she's a burden to her family, she feels as though she's no longer important to her family and they are waiting for her to die. I wonder will I feel that way when I feel I'm no longer important to my family? Does she see the looks that passes between them when she says or does something they feel is foolish? Probably not, because she's almost blind, but if she's as intuitive as I believe she is, she senses it. It's sad because it will happen to each of us if we live long enough. Jason won't have to face old age because he already had that feeling, since he told me he did before he left us. He didn't wait for the other shoe to drop.