These has been the worse years to get through. When Jason died I just went through the motions of going to his funeral, buying his tombstone and preparing other things such as a memorial page on the internet. Frantically collecting pictures to remember him by and a scrap book with his life in it and visiting his grave. I still haven't completed his scrapbook. His birthday came, Christmas 2007 came and still it hadn't hit me that he wasn't coming back. Then 2008 came and as the months dragged on it got worse. I looked for him in everything. I  desperately searched for every picture of him I could find. When I found all there was it still didn't help. I cry constantly because I don't know what else to do to ease the pain. If It would help and I wouldn't get arrested, I would go up on main and scream to the top of my lungs. But maybe jail would be worth it to let my feelings out. If I could find someone to place all the blame on for his death, I would. I blame me for not helping him to face difficulties in life and that there are better answers than death. I blame the system that is so quick to judge and gossipy people that have nothing better to do than hurt someone. I pray for guidence but there's no answers, so I just keep praying and hoping I'll get through this year. The Bible says a mother's most heart wrenching trial comes when she see her beloved son die. The death of a child has been described as  'The ultimate loss." The most devastating death." Whether the child is still young or he is an adult. She feels as though a sword has been run through her. Maybe next year, 2009 will get better, but I don't think so because something dark and forboding has appeared on the horizon. Nothing seems to help.I let myself go and my house looks like a whirlwind hit it most of the time. The only consolation I have is my mom that needs help, my children that I love dearly, my brothers and sisters and my cats that need my attention. I hold off on the scrapbook because when it's done there will be nothing else to do. Now it's  several Christmas times again and Jason is still gone. I don't know what to do anymore.The world is going down  the toilet and everything else is going down with it. I don't need a doctor to give me a pill because I know what's wrong with me. I don't need a pastor to tell me about the afterlife because I read the Bible. I just plain hurt and nothing seems to help. Pam and Robert told me last year that they felt something big was coming, but they didn't know what it was. Well here it is and it's not going to get any better unless we change our ways, learn how to pray more and put our faith in God. So I'm trying to get through the most difficult period of my life and the feeling that when is the hurt going to go away? Aug. 11, 2009, Two years since Jason left us and now that Aug.03 has come and gone, the hurt is still there. There will be another birthday, another Christmas without him. 2010, 2011, two more years and I still miss Jason. Guess I'll always miss my son. This will be the fourth year since he left us. God help us all.